Jeremy Renner. Rachel Weisz. Edward Norton.  The Bourne storyline continuing.

YASSSSS! I’m here for this.

The second official trailer The Bourne Legacy  was released today and it looks amazing!

Albert Finney, Joan Allen and David Straithern all reprise their roles from the previous Bourne films. The Bourne Legacy is set for release August 3, 2012!

In famewhore news that surprises no one…

TMZ is reporting that Stunt Queen Kim Kartrashian and Stunt Queen Kanye West have both listed their homes for sale and will be moving in together. Supposedly, the two did it “discreetly,” and by discreetly, that means Pimp Momager immediately phoned Harvey Levin get him to publish the story.

Kim is asking price is $5 million for her Beverly Hills mansion.  Kim and Kanye both did “pocket listings,” which don’t appear in official real estate docs.

The two are looking to move into a private, gated home together.

Oh, and Kim still isn’t divorced.

Alana and her “Go-Go Juice”

The end is nigh.

And TLC is the antichrist.

The network has revealed that they’ve given one its most “famous” Toddlers & Tiaras pagaent slaves kids a spinoff show.

Alana Thompson, the six-year-old known as “Honey Boo Boo” and for drinking the go-go juice and having a white trash “coupon queen” mom willing to exploit her own flesh and blood for fame and notoriety, will have her own series called “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”  The show will be six half-hour episodes and will begin airing this August.

In a statement to Us Weekly, TLC says the show will center around Alana’s home life. ”When she’s not chasing after crowns, Alana’s with her family in rural Georgia doing what her family does best: four-wheeling through mud pits and picking up road kill for the family cookout.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake.  I know this show is going to be a hot ass mess.  I know these parents are the equivalent of shit stains at the bottom of a gas station toilet.  I know there will be things done on the series that lead me to believe human sterilization may not be a bad thing.  I know scenes will have be either appalled, livid or both at the same time.  However, I will watch, because it’s the equivalent of a train wreck.  I’ll have my own drinking game to go along with the show, since watching this type of fuckery is best done while hammered buzzed.

And like waking up next to a fat, hairy ass and love handles you don’t recognize after a long night of pity-party drinking, I’ll hate myself in the morning and swear “Never again,”  knowing it’s a damn lie.  TLC, you are the equivalent of a soulless one night stand and I can’t quit you.

Casper Smart (if this is true, please consider changing your last name to something more appropriate) has apparently found a way to show Jennifer Lopez his love for her is eternal – by getting her name tattooed on his dick.

In Touch Weekly print edition claims Boy Toy got the ink as a ‘surprise’ for JLo:

What says “I love you” more than having your girlfriend’s name tattooed on your nether region? Nothing, if you’re Jennifer Lopez’s boyfriend, Casper Smart.

According to a friend, Casper surprised J.Lo with this token of his affection – and she was thrilled with the latest addition to his already inked-up body!

“Jennifer thinks Casper’s tattoos are sexy, but this one is her favorite, for obvious reasons,” her friend says. “She loves it, and she loves him.”

It’s a lovefest all around, according to another source, who says Casper’s friends and family have become “obsessed” with his high-profile relationship. One wrote on his Facebook wall: “All of you mom and dad’s friends are living vicariously through you” after Casper posted a photo of him with J.Lo. And his mom has even renamed herself Shawna Lopaz!

So, if Casper really get JLo permanently on his pecker, these are the thoughts that are going through my scattered, slightly hungover brain this morning:

• Does it say Jen when he’s limp, then grow to Jennifer when he’s ready for sexy-times?
• A penis is not the place where a tattoo should ever go – I bet it hurt.
• What will his future girlfriends think when they’re banging a dude that has another woman’s name on his dick?
• Or does this mean he will only date girls named “Jennifer” in the future
• Laser tattoo removal will hurt like a motherfucker when they break up
• WTF, Shawna Lopaz? 

Boy Toy, I really hope this story is not true, or you’re one dumb himbo, indeed.

Lady Gaga was really excited to land in Bangkok, Thailand on May 23 and she tweeted this as she was getting off the the plane.

Sounds like an ‘Ok’ thing to say except that it really pissed Bangkok off that she insinuated that they sell fake Rolexes in their market… even though they are kind of known for their fake Rolexes in their markets.

Apparently members of the Bangkok government went to the U.S. Embassy to have a few choice words about the fact that Gaga is, in their mind, promoting the sale of fake goods instead of promoting the protection of intellectual property.

So much complaining. Let the girl get a fake watch!

@ladygaga: I just landed in Bangkok baby! Ready for 50,000 screaming Thai monsters. I wanna get lost in a lady market and buy fake Rolex.Celeb Tweets

Dominic Monaghan tweeted this about his old buddy Matthew Fox.

In case you’re scratching your head in confusion, Dominic is referencing the little incident last year when Fox was accused by a female bus driver of allegedly punching her in a ta tas after she asked him to get off the bus. Clearly he was drunk.

Matthew Fox’s peeps are vehemently denying that Fox “beats women. not isolated incidents. often.” and are even going so far to say that Fox has NEVER beaten a woman, which is definitely NOT what Heather Bormann said.

Dominic went on to try to defend his statement on twitter after some Fox lovers attacked him but who cares – he said it.

Matthew Fox was arrested at the beginning of the month for a big fat DUI in his hometown in Oregon.

Martin Short was a guest on the ‘Today’ show this morning and Kathie Lee and Hoda sat down with the funny man to talk about his upcoming movie ‘Madagascar 3.’ Then, Kathie Lee said this:

Kathie Lee: You and Nancy have one of the greatest marriages of anyone in show business … how many years now for you guys?

Martin: We… uh… married 36 years.

Kathie Lee: But you’re still like in love.

Hoda: Uh huh

Martin: Madly in love, madly in love.

Kathie Lee: Why?

Martin: Cute! I’m cute!

Hoda: That is true.

Kathie Lee: And you make each other laugh?

Martin: Yes, Yes.

PROBLEM: Martin’s wife, Nancy died two years ago from ovarian cancer after 20 years of marriage.

Kathie Lee did apologize later on for being an idiot but holy shit. How do you come back from that?

Michelle – right now is probably a good time to put down whatever the fuck your drinking and shut your trap, because girl - no.

Vulture caught up with Michelle Rodriguez at the amfAR event at Cannes’ last week and asked her a few questions.  Michelle was there as an ambassador to the Sea Shepherds organization (countdown to them terminating that relationship in 3,2,1…) and had just previewed “Nicole-Kidman-pees-on-Zac-Efron’s-face”  AKA The Paperboy.

Michelle was obviously a fan of the flick and was eager to drunkenly verbal vomit all about it. Rodriguez shared her love of the film and told critics who didn’t appreciate the movie to eat a dick.  Oh, she also let us know how she feels about black people and the Oscars.

“I say fuck them because they don’t get it,” Rodriguez replied. “He’s so good at keeping me entertained. When I don’t like the dialogue, I’m amused by the visuals. And when I don’t like the visuals, I’m amused by the dialogue. It’s always switching up senses. I’m intrigued by his ability to capture me in a theater. It’s not easy to capture me in a theater — I’m ADD like that.”

As for those outrageous Paperboy scenes where Nicole Kidman pees on Zac Efron and arrives at a very loud hands-free orgasm, “I fucking loved it,” Rodriguez enthused. “One of my friends said, ‘She’s going to get nominated for an Oscar for that.’ I was like, ‘Nah, man. She’s not black!’ I laugh, but it’s also very sad. It makes me want to cry. But I really believe. You have to be trashy and black to get nominated. You can’t just be trashy.”

My head hurts.

First off, it’s pretty obvious that Michelle is fucking wasted (let’s be real – when is she not?) Second off – what the fuck?  I mean, seriously – what the fuck?   Thanks for your insight to the Oscar nomination process, Michelle?  You’re so right – with all THOSE BLACK ACTRESSES WINNING OSCARS!  DAMN THEM AND THEIR OSCAR WINNING TRASHINESS!

Let’s run down that list.   This may take a while:

2001 Best Actress: Halle Berry – Monster’s Ball

1939 Best Supporting Actress:  Hattie McDaniel - Gone With the Wind

1990 Best Supporting Actress:  Whoopi Goldbert - Ghost

2006 Best Supporting Actress: Jennifer Hudson – Dream Girls

2009 Best Supporting Actress: Mo’Nique – Precious

2011 Best Supporting Actress:  Octavia Spencer - The Help

And…erm…that’s it.

And as for the black actresses in total nominated, ever? 25  – and that combines Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress noms.  Oh my God!  Those black people have figured out how to corner the Oscar nomination market, Michelle!  All that BLACKNESS and TRASHINESS! There goes Hollywood!

The only thing trashy here, Michelle, is your drunk ass. Please sit down.

The official Les Miserable trailer dropped over night, giving me something absolutely wonderful to wake up to this morning.  I have to admit, when I first saw  Anne Hathaway cast, I was raising a skeptical eyebrow – but she’s wonderful and haunting here.

Les Miserable is based on the famed novel by Victor Hugo.  It stars Hugh Jackman, Russell Crowe, Anne Hathaway, Amanda Seyfried, Sacha Baron Cohen, Eddie Redmayne and Samantha Barks. It hits theaters December 14.

Just in case you missed it over the long holiday weekend, Madonna  got  up to her usual stuntqueen ways in the way that only Madge can.  Madonna knows how to outbitch the best of them and throw shade in ways that make solar eclipses green with envy.

This weekend, Madge showed off this talent (yes, it’s talent – and Madonna has perfected it) when she sang a mashup of Lady Gaga‘s “Born this Way.” and her own “Express Yourself” and “She’s Not Me,” during MDNA rehearsals’  I believe the appropriate response to this move is “Ooooh burrrrrn.”  If there’s anything Madge hates more than hydrangeas, it’s Lady Gaga.